Sorry everyone, I have been lazy. Well not lazy more well… I don’t know what’s the best term to use at the moment however I have been blogging just not uploading. I have blogs on my phone and blogs on my laptop to prove that I haven’t been entirely lazy. However I don’t know whether my blogs on my other devices will see the light because I find them, well… confusing.
Lately I have been thinking a lot not the usual, more… actually I take that back it’s the usually but more in depth, I found myself staying up late at night last night thinking over and over, despite the fact that I had a photography master class today which I will add, was completely utterly useless to me.
The rest of the time I spent my day thinking about yesterday’s thought on the previous day before then, my life seems like a loop. And once again I feel broken, broken as always. More used than anything, my true friends and the people who are extremely close know I get “walked all over”, this term simply means, I get used. Used for various reasons and used easily because I can’t defend myself to the point that I want to. It’s what gives me the nice guy character, although sometimes I don’t seem like a nice guy, because of what I say, sometimes what I say is mean, all jokingly but sometimes I may say a word or two about someone I disagree with. Never too hurtful just my opinion, I’m sure everyone has those thoughts though.
Anyway, I should talk about my thoughts and I expect this may be a long blog, may be… though I have been saying that for a while my blogs don’t actually turn out that big or long for that matter
Tonight’s blog is as lifeless as the last, it’s as pathetically written and is likely to bore you readers out there. To a point of every man there is a limit to what they are capable of, a limit to where we guys find things intolerable. Some guys make the decision to continue on, and some bail out. To continue on is the same as an “all in” in a poker game, because with it comes risk.
I would be lying if I said that none of my feelings is C related, I would also be lying if I said that I didn’t care. I would also be lying if I said she didn’t mean anything to me. However there are some feelings and thoughts which aren’t C related some concerning more of my friend Drew.
I think earlier I had a blog about my friend Drew, he was steady friend back in college, at the present? I’m not too sure but I would believe he is still. Things have gone down a somewhat rocky road for the past few months. Mainly me raging at his efforts to be a proper friend, but then again I guess I haven’t been either. I have been trying to communicate with him but he seems to cut me off a lot, unsure if it’s because he is really busy, or because he would rather small talk. Though from memory he was never a constant fluid type, not one which would keep conversations going on end, nor make a real effort to start one, he would… to me it would just be rare.
Anyways things with him are unsteady and I can only think that he still holds some sort of grudge for late last year, for well not reporting of my where about and my daily schedule of such. He also blamed me for stupid reasons which is stupid to even write at the moment, all you need to know is they are stupid and utterly pathetic, and to try and use them against me almost like black mail is unheard of, attempting to pin me down and make me feel guilty and that I should be sorry. I have to so to speak “let it go” and moved on, simply built a bridge and walked over it. I’m not the type to aggressively have a standoff, I simply “take it”, I know if placed in an immature mind, it would sound dirty, but it simply means I take al blames, and show that I am the one in the wrong and apologies. I even do it in the restaurant, something may not be my fault but I always do this stupid thing of apologizing anyways, for I don’t know… extra customer service brownie points? A tip or two maybe?
Any things with him have been unsteady, and I can’t seem to understand what’s going on with that child, I have been trying to corner him like a sheep and interrogate that little mutt but it’s not easy. Haven’t had the time, well I have but I guess I just can’t be bothered, because his actions late last year.
Late or early last year I had a conversation with another friend, we shall call him TK, as that is his initials, his probably one of my close friends along with Drew. C, Drew, Tk and I used to be a pack and celebrated every Saturday night together when possible to a game of pool, it was say. Early that year when I first met C, that the two boys expressed their affection they had towards her, I made it my duty to lay off any feelings I had with C, this seems repeated in my head from multiple previous blogs but I know once you read this there will be gaps filled in. these two mates, used to express their feelings to me, mainly Tk about his issues with C and Drew, and him feeling a little annoyed or what kind of unfair position he was in. there wasn’t a time I don’t think where I ever thought of C being a potential girlfriend, not from memory. Wait that’s a lie there have been, but my duty in my mind was I shouldn’t be thinking of this. During the time and as the time went by I learnt scandalous information from different parties external and internal, none of which I would share. What I made of this information was a giant puzzle in my mind, a flow chart or a web made of strings linking actions, and stories, rumors and truths (much like something you would see from an addict investigator in a boring crime movie, linking his evidence to locations).
It was a masterpiece when I got to figure most of the stories from both sides, it was interesting to see how things played out, I was glad I wasn’t in that mess. I used to chuckle inside thinking “wow this is really messy”, and look at me now, gotten so deep into this that I have come apart of this web of mine. Never predicted it and never thought it would occur, however the present is now in effect and I am in this web. Throughout my time during this immense on going war, C and I, became well close buddies, and as I have written countless of times, I could see why my other two mates had a common interest for her. Now who wouldn’t like an amazing young lady, with a fairly unique personality?
It was during that time that I got to know her 1 on 1, after that I realized that my feelings for her started to grow within me. Something which I didn’t expect to happen until one night I found myself denying it several times, only to realize that I have indeed fell for her otherwise I wouldn’t be denying myself several times.
(At the moment I am talking to my uncle, so typing will be difficult and getting… wait it’s over now, talked for about a good 30 minutes or so about technology)
So back to my blog, I spent the first several nights after having this feeling wondering whether this was really happening to me, it was, I had fallen for someone which I didn’t think I would. But I guess it’s normal, our minds do work in very interesting ways and it’s to no surprise that this would happen to me. I guess having someone around, and spending time can really grow you towards them, what am I saying “I guess” I know so. Within that couple of months, short but still something. I learnt so much, about herself. Working my way to maybe one day ask her to become my girlfriend was insight, however it wasn’t how most stories end, my stories hasn’t even finished. But it wasn’t how I anticipated it to be, it’s interesting to see how one girl can change your life, for the good. Anyway I worked my way to asking her, before I was told various things which well kept me from pushing, however my feelings towards her have always remain and still remain to this present day.
Once again I’ve blogged about it, but she told me she wasn’t looking for a relationship nor was she ready for one, I respected it. I respect the wishes that people want, I may not always like what I respect but needless to say, to me if someone has values respect it (although I do mock peoples values, specially my friend Drew’s religious values, its cruel and mean but I mean it jokingly), When C left to overseas, I made a series of video blogs for her, something I wanted her to well look at while she was away, previously I did several other things for her to show that I care, and that I miss her. It was obvious that I cared for her, even a blind man could see it, in one of my video blogs I asked her to be my valentine, something I was hoping would work out fine. Something I guess I was waiting for, at first I forgot about it, but as the date got closer I was given remembers of “so who are you asking to be your valentine?” something which I have not heard of in a few years, maybe even dating back to primary school. Anyway I told everyone who asked me this question that I had a pretty amazing girl I wanted to ask, however in the back of my mind, I knew what she would say. It was more of a “try” attempt then anything; people began getting curious of who this ‘amazing girl’ I thought was. Anyway days after my video blog, C responded that she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, and first I was a bit upset, and down but figured its best if I just respect it and drop the topic, but no I had to bring it up one or twice more.
Last few days I thought I had dropped in since it has been a little over a week may be that she told me it wasn’t a good idea, it’s now the 12th of February, closing into the Valentine ’s Day. But I wonder to myself is it really that extreme? That I can’t go on a simply Valentine’s Day lunch? I could push my two friends Daniel and his best friend to be valentines together, but I couldn’t even get a simple lunch? It was I don’t know, a struck to my heart (corny yes, necessary word, hmm yes) feels like it’s coming from there anyways, keen to know why, so I might Google it later on. But yes, all my building up has kind of well been unnoticed of? Or well wasted in a sense. That I could even believe or hope that it would be possible, that night before bed, was pretty I don’t know an all-time low.
From her perspective I had to understand, and I do. I’m sure everyone has heard of the this saying, It may not be the same as what you have heard but I’m sure there are similar variations. “if you truly love something, you will do whatever it takes to make them happy, keep them safe and do what’s best for them”, I think I value this more than I first believed, after reading it a few more times to myself I can see myself, in a position where what I’m doing, is wrong. And to think asking her to valentines was a good idea, she reminded me not long ago why she doesn’t want to be in a relationship. And I will admit that trigger previous memories which I said to myself that I would respect, but I seemed to have forgotten about.
I feel silly at the moment, yesterday I felt imperfect, and the previous day before that I think I felt incomplete. I want her to be happy, and I want to do what’s best for her, which makes me believe may be im making her weak. Weak from becoming who she wants to be. Things start to enter my head such as, maybe I should stop seeing her and leave her life alone, thinking about is dreadful and its not something I want to do. but if there comes to a point that I think that im doing more harm than anything I think I might need to reconsider. Although at the moment it’s not something I want to even consider at all. My other alternative was to drop all feelings for her, and these are usually the hard options. But with this option comes different pros and cons, for pro’s I don’t need to worry about ever liking her, I don’t need to spend effort, I don’t need to try and become noticed and I can stop with my corny self of trying to always feel like she’s a part of me in some way or another. Cons are obviously I would stop my conversations with her and see her a lot less, whether not this is an option I want is something which has well dwelled on me for some time these past few days, even wake up to a tear or two even now I think my sensitive side wants to reveal itself. Today, and yesterday, I think I’m been throwing of trashing myself around. Unsure what I want to do, I had a plan today, which was simply, go to a photography class, pick up C and go to the computer fair with Daniel, buy the necessary parts and return to her home and complete the computer I have been building for her, it’s not a very pro computer but it’s something I have discovered to be worth a fair amount, it has taken time gathering it and a lot of time building it, figured it would be a nice little gift for her as she always tell me her computer is about to commit suicide, and that’s where I come in to mock her about her e-book of laptop which lacks multitasking functionality. Anyway planned failed today, ended up going to the photography class and bailing early from it, it’s a class valued at $950 which I must admit I found worthless, after the leaving the class I went back to my car, and didn’t know what to do, I wanted to hang around where I was at the time, figured I would just get the part from the local mall where I was, today was also multicultural festival, the time where the place I live organizes these impressive dishes out the public to try, it’s all authentic from my knowledge, anyway, C went there instead of going to the fair, and I don’t blame her or anything for that. After going to the computer fair with Daniel and buying the parts necessary to complete my mission and his. I found myself on my way to the multicultural festival. Parked some distance away, and having knowledge that I would have to be home to pick up my mother and my sister to work around 4pm, the time was around 1 at the time. It took me some time to think whether I should really go, wasn’t sure if seeing C would complicated anything further, I want the best for her, and I am not the best, I want her to be happy, but sometimes I feel I make her sad. Not something I wanted to cover her down with, so there I was standing, there may be more than 10 minutes just outside the car park and minutes away from the festival, questioning was there a point. Sure I wanted to see her, but that alone wasn’t enough to justify whether I should, eventually I went, because I felt pretty uneasy the last two days, and I knew seeing her will make me feel better she always does. Even though she doesn’t do it on purpose she does
This actually now leads me to now, in my room 2:30am in the morning, writing what I’m thinking about and what there is to come. I feel like I’ve might have wasted my efforts in chasing something which will never be caught. Reaching a star which can’t be reached, a pebble to too deep from arms reach
I need another reminder or something to tell me that this wait is worth it in the end, I don’t have anything to go by. Something to jolt my reasons for my efforts and to let me know that my efforts have gone somewhere
And what I’m doing is alright, but I can’t get this satisfaction from anyone but her, maybe because it’s the truth, unlike my friends they are all biased. It shows I trust her so much and I believe in her a lot, that’s a good thing.
Anyway I’m tired I have no idea what I have been rambling on now. Good night
